Growing Pains

I moved to Nashville in March 2011. I went straight from living in my parents' house for twenty four years and being within a ten mile radius of my entire family, to living in a whole new state by myself in just a span of two weeks. To say that it rocked my little world would be an understatement. Jack has lived in Nashville for a little more than ten years. He's a little more adjusted to the whole "no family around" thing, as his entire family is scattered across the United States.


I am so thankful for him and that through this crazy journey we came together. I truly don't know what I would do without him. Jack and I are SO incredibly close. Like, how did I previously make it for twenty-seven years of my life without him? We are close because really, we are all we have up here. We have to rely on one another. We have to sacrifice for one another and basically just figure stuff out on our own. We don't have the luxury of calling grandma if Camden is sick. We don't get a free babysitter if one of us has a dentist appointment or if we want to go out.


While this seems difficult at times, and often results in feelings of loneliness, frustration, tears, and vent sessions between the two of us, there are times when I feel like Superwoman. I've had to deal with stuff that most of my friends will never have to deal with. I don't have mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, or cousins at my fingertips or beckoning call. Yes, I have close friends up here who would do their best to help me out at the drop of a hat. But they have lives and family too, and sometimes they aren't there. Like when Jack and I had to move from our apartments to our new home- we had to do that all by ourselves, just the two of us. No help. At all. And it sucked. But as always, we relied on one another, communicated well, and it got done. We had to.


We do have some trusted support networks in our area, but again, they have families and children of their own to tend to. This leads to the feeling of being "un-needed." I get that feeling a lot. No one here needs my help. No one around here needs my friendship. Many people we know and are friends with in our community already have lifelong friends and family that are close by, so why would they call me? I am not needed. Sometimes I feel that no one at home needs me either. They've made it just fine for the four years I've been gone.


We have already started talking about how to handle the holidays this year. Last year, we spent Thanksgiving in Knoxville, Christmas Eve in Knoxville, and then Christmas Day with my family. We will probably just do the same thing this year because it worked out pretty well for us. But what happens when we have children of our own? (Lord willing!) Do they have to get dragged around here and there and never get to enjoy Christmas in the comforts of their own home? Will they get the opportunity to run down the stairs at OUR house to see what Santa has brought, or will it always happen at someone else's house? Not to say they'd enjoy it any less if it took place somewhere other than their own home, but still, it's the principle of the fact. I mean, what if one Christmas someone got the flu and we COULDN'T go home; the hassle of having to "hide" presents; the cost alone of traveling. The stress adds up, and so do the miles on our cars. Sorry if this hurts feelings, but I can literally count on one hand the number of times I've been visited by my family since I moved to Nashville. Man, it would be so nice to have the roles reversed now and then. However, I doubt that will change anytime soon with the pending arrival of the first biological grandchild. Cam is technically the first. I know it was my choice to move here- and it may sound like I'm being whiny and selfish, but I am being whiny and selfish. My blog, my rules.


I love my family more than anything, so don't think that this is a bash my family blog, because it's not. I miss them. I am missing the birth of my nephew, birthday parties, family get-togethers, funerals...I hate feeling left out. Again, I know it was my choice to move here, and really the career opportunity here makes up for some of it, but definitely doesn't replace it. Not really sure how to end this blog, because it feels like one long hissy fit. So, rant over. Carry on.

Obsession

Any person who is close to me or has hung out with me for an extended period of time knows that I have a terrible, no good, rotten, annoying habit. Sigh. I twirl my hair. Not just a little bit. Not just every now and then. Not just when I am nervous. I twirl my hair compulsively. My mom said I started doing it when I was two years old. All throughout my life I was told "Stop doing that or your hair is going to fall out!" or something along those lines. I said the other day that my hair has started falling out at an alarming rate. Now, those words from childhood are haunting me.


Here's how it works: I randomly select a small "chunk" of hair from the back or side of my head. I wrap said piece of hair around every one of my fingers- starting with the pinky. I wrap and twist and twirl until the hair is so tightly wrapped around my fingers that it's sometimes painful, and my fingers turn purple. My fingers are constantly sore from where I pull my hair so tightly around them. I'm sure you're thinking- just pull your hair up so you won't do it! Oh no. That doesn't work. Even when it's up I manage to pull tiny strands out of the bun or ponytail I'm sporting and I'll twirl those. I've even started doing it in my sleep.


And I confess to you today that this bad habit is getting much, much worse. The first step is admitting you have a problem..right?!


The weird part is that half the time, I don't even realize I am doing it. Only when my fingers hurt, I need both hands to do something, or someone tells me to stop is when I am aware of what I am doing. Jack absolutely hates it. It drives him completely insane sometimes. He knows I am not "stupid" but he has told me that when we are in public and I am talking to someone while twirling my hair, that it makes me come across as sort of ditzy. (Even though I DESPISE that whole Jessica-Simpson-over-the-top-obviously-acting-stupid thing.) Again, I am not even aware that I am twirling my hair some of these times, and I truly cannot help it. And I especially am not a ditz, thank you.


Today as I looked down at my pinky fingers and noticed they were "dented" and purplish, I decided to do an innocent inquiry as to what my deal is and why I keep doing this crap. So, I googled "Hair Twirling". This yielded me 1.58 million results. (OH.MY.GOD.) After searching through the first twelve or so, I had immediately self-diagnosed myself (I do this frequently. Thanks, WebMD) with a disorder called Trichotillomania. This disorder is when a person compulsively pulls their hair (check!), and may result in the person pulling their hair out (check!). What is even worse is that according to this site I looked at, it stated that "Women account for "70% to 90% of all cases." People have to wear wigs because of this. People get scalp infections from this. Some people eveb EAT the hair they pull out. EW. So much for a light-hearted internet search.


But it's not like I am intentionally pulling my hair from my head- that HURTS. I just mess with it to the point where sometimes a strand or two will fall out on its own. (I am now assuming it is due to frequent stress and tension that I cause...) I found another article called Am I Nuts? that was written by a psychologist at Yale. This psychologist absolutely insists that hair twirling is done in self defense and that it is a "body language clue to people around you." Hmm. I am guessing it is a subconscious body language suggestion for me then? It goes on to state: "What does your finger in your locks say? It says, 'Leave me alone! I'm reading.'" I can deal with that.


Still, am I crazy? AM I nuts? I am not trying to convey my emotions to anyone through twirling my hair. It's just a habit! It's comforting! So finally, I looked up nervous habits. I found this website about nervous habits. I could feel the Yin and Yang, smell the essential oils, and feel the deep breaths when I clicked on this page. (No offense to you essential oils folks. I'm actually considering trying them.) I found this statement: "Nervous habits related to 'hair' such as twirling or pulling hair, are often linked to the head or the crown chakra. This is about boredom, lack of concentration, consciousness, a desire to open the crown chakra and 'see' beyond. emotional problems" Oh. Yes. So it's saying that as I twirl my hair, I am in a state of peace or a trance, and am seeing beyond my many problems. Excuse me as I grab a piece of hair and tightly coil it around my fingers....

Stepmomster

On December 29, 2014, my life changed forever. I married the man of my dreams, and in that very moment I became a wife and a stepmother. I didn't just gain a husband, I gained myself a family. Let me start by saying that I absolutely LOVE Camden to pieces. He is such a sweet, loving boy and BOTH his dad and mom have done a great job in raising him. He's only three years old, but already has impeccable manners and is too stinkin' smart for his own britches sometimes. Being that it is unlikely I will ever be able to have children of my own, Cam is the closest thing I have to a "baby." All forty pounds of him. I absolutely love spending time with him and Jack, and the two of them sometimes can make my heart just burst.


I want to say this in a way that doesn't hurt any feelings or make anyone mad, but basically, being a stepmom is really hard. I've only been at it a few months, but it's much different than when I was just a "girlfriend." I am responsible for this child. I need to care for him as if he were my own. I need to protect him from things that could hurt him. At the same time, there is a fine line I have to walk. He is not my biological child. There are certain things that I can't and won't do. I can't console him like his mom would. I can try, but it's probably nowhere near as close. If he falls and gets hurt or has a bad dream, ten times out of ten says he is not going to be screaming "KayKay!" I can't just plan a birthday party for his friends and family to attend. And as morbid as this sounds (please, bear with me!)- if anything ever happened to Jack, I wonder all the time if I would ever get to see Camden or still be a part of his life. It's not my decision, unfortunately. I WON'T punish him- that's daddy's job. However, I already (at times) see resentment towards me when daddy does punish him. Like, maybe if KayKay weren't here I wouldn't be in trouble.... He has a killer side eye.


We get jealous of each other. Am I a terrible person for admitting that? Probably... But it's true. There are times when Jack and I will be standing in the kitchen and I'll hug him or he will hug me, and immediately little man will rush over and try to get between us. He even cried once when he saw us hugging and said through his tears "I don't feel very happy." Wow. Heartbreak. I don't think I necessarily get jealous of him as a person- I love him to pieces! I just know my love for him and Jack's love for him are totally different. Do we both love Cam? Absolutely. But we love him in different ways. Again- he's not my biological child, so I DON'T have that connection to him. Already I find myself struggling with how I am supposed to handle these things. I know I should not take it personally- he's only three years old. But all to often I find myself wondering- Does it get better? Does it get easier?


Back in January I started reading several books about how to deal with the difficulties that come along with being a stepmom, how to deal with the ex, how to maintain a healthy marriage...blah blah blah. I'm not going to tell you the names of the books, but I will tell you that all of them were completely useless. The books all said the same thing: be OVERLY nice to the step-child, suffer silently through any emotional distress you feel, take medicine if you have to, and (gasp!) the most frightening suggestion of all- have your own baby with your husband so that you won't feel so left out and alone. WHAT THE WHAT?! That is just plain SCARY advice, and definitely not what I was wanting to hear. Being a stepmom doesn't mean having to be passive-aggressive. It doesn't have to mean suffering or dealing with pain or unexplained emotions you may feel. Right?!


I decided to do some research among my friends. Several of them are stepmoms too, and have been for much longer than a few months. I promised to keep their names completely anonymous, but did let them know I would probably use their answers for the purpose of this blog. I asked them all three questions:


1. What is the most rewarding part of being a stepmom?


2. What is the most challenging part of being a stepmom?


3. How do you handle those challenges?


Every. Single. One. had pretty much the same answers on the first two questions. It was FRIGHTENING how alike they were- like they had a big meeting before they all decided to answer my message- even though many of them aren't acquaintances.


ALL of them said that the most rewarding part of being a stepmom was the family aspect of it and
how it's awesome to see the kids interact with the father and stepmother in a positive way. It is rewarding to see them do something you asked them to do or taught them to do. I see this with Camden OFTEN. He is like a little sponge and absorbs knowledge in copious quantities. It is unbelievable to watch him learn. Just yesterday he was READING. READING! He got some flashcards in his Easter basket a few weeks ago, and he already has the numbers, letters, and basic sight words down pat. He's currently working on mastering his addition and subtraction facts at the age of three. Now, you may say "Well that's rewarding to see with ANY child" and you'd be correct. But this is CAMDEN. The boy I fix dinner for, tuck in to bed, and play Ninja Turtles with. He's our boy! Proud stepmom moments for sure.


Next question. All of the stepmoms also said that the most challenging part of being a stepmom is that you AREN'T mom. Kids will remind you of that verbally, physically, or any way they can to get the message across. Camden hasn't said the whole "You're not my mommy" to me, and I hope I never make him feel like he has to. There have been times where I've cried over some things he's said to me, but like I said- I remind myself that he's only three and not to take it personally because he is just processing his feelings like I am, just in a different way. Many of them also said that sometimes different viewpoints from the mother and father and lack of communication are very challenging. We've found this to be true also, but that being said we KNOW we all have Camden's best interest at heart.


Finally- the one question where every answer was different. Which- TADA!- I totally understand why. Everyone deals with things and responds to stressors in different ways. There's no "one right way" to be a stepmom, or a parent for that matter. Trial and error. Jack and I have decided that if there is EVER an issue about ANYTHING- we WILL talk about it. I will not "suffer silently" and hold in my feelings. First of all, if you know me WHATSOEVER you know that would and could never happen. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and my emotions are ALWAYS written on my face. I was born without a poker face. We've always had a great line of open communication about everything, which is why our relationship is so great. We've also talked about other ways to deal with our issues- spend a ton of time together as a family, but also there are times when daddy and Cam have "dude time" too. I don't want Cam to feel like daddy belongs only to me. He needs to feel special and loved in a way that only daddies can. For now, we are working through these issues so that when Cam gets older, hopefully there won't be many, and I won't be considered a "Stepmomster."

All that being said, I want to give a shout out to my grandmother (who does not have Facebook or even a computer) and my stepgrandmother. These women are truly amazing. Both of them have always shown nothing but class and respect when they're around one another at church events, birthday parties, or ballgames. They've never made any of us 234987 grandkids/great-grandkids feel awkward. My stepgrandmother has ALWAYS made us feel as though we were her own flesh and blood. She's always shown us unconditional love, has never spoke badly of my grandmother (nor would she ever because she is just THAT nice!), and she has taken part in all major life events. She didn't have to pick us up from school when we were sick, teach us how to drive (and drive well at that!), teach us how to cook (which she totally ROCKS at btw!), or just give us advice on how to handle hard times in life. You helped me through many situations WAY more than you will ever know. I love you Pam (aka Nana), and I am so thankful to have you as a "bonus" grandma!