Obsession

Any person who is close to me or has hung out with me for an extended period of time knows that I have a terrible, no good, rotten, annoying habit. Sigh. I twirl my hair. Not just a little bit. Not just every now and then. Not just when I am nervous. I twirl my hair compulsively. My mom said I started doing it when I was two years old. All throughout my life I was told "Stop doing that or your hair is going to fall out!" or something along those lines. I said the other day that my hair has started falling out at an alarming rate. Now, those words from childhood are haunting me.


Here's how it works: I randomly select a small "chunk" of hair from the back or side of my head. I wrap said piece of hair around every one of my fingers- starting with the pinky. I wrap and twist and twirl until the hair is so tightly wrapped around my fingers that it's sometimes painful, and my fingers turn purple. My fingers are constantly sore from where I pull my hair so tightly around them. I'm sure you're thinking- just pull your hair up so you won't do it! Oh no. That doesn't work. Even when it's up I manage to pull tiny strands out of the bun or ponytail I'm sporting and I'll twirl those. I've even started doing it in my sleep.


And I confess to you today that this bad habit is getting much, much worse. The first step is admitting you have a problem..right?!


The weird part is that half the time, I don't even realize I am doing it. Only when my fingers hurt, I need both hands to do something, or someone tells me to stop is when I am aware of what I am doing. Jack absolutely hates it. It drives him completely insane sometimes. He knows I am not "stupid" but he has told me that when we are in public and I am talking to someone while twirling my hair, that it makes me come across as sort of ditzy. (Even though I DESPISE that whole Jessica-Simpson-over-the-top-obviously-acting-stupid thing.) Again, I am not even aware that I am twirling my hair some of these times, and I truly cannot help it. And I especially am not a ditz, thank you.


Today as I looked down at my pinky fingers and noticed they were "dented" and purplish, I decided to do an innocent inquiry as to what my deal is and why I keep doing this crap. So, I googled "Hair Twirling". This yielded me 1.58 million results. (OH.MY.GOD.) After searching through the first twelve or so, I had immediately self-diagnosed myself (I do this frequently. Thanks, WebMD) with a disorder called Trichotillomania. This disorder is when a person compulsively pulls their hair (check!), and may result in the person pulling their hair out (check!). What is even worse is that according to this site I looked at, it stated that "Women account for "70% to 90% of all cases." People have to wear wigs because of this. People get scalp infections from this. Some people eveb EAT the hair they pull out. EW. So much for a light-hearted internet search.


But it's not like I am intentionally pulling my hair from my head- that HURTS. I just mess with it to the point where sometimes a strand or two will fall out on its own. (I am now assuming it is due to frequent stress and tension that I cause...) I found another article called Am I Nuts? that was written by a psychologist at Yale. This psychologist absolutely insists that hair twirling is done in self defense and that it is a "body language clue to people around you." Hmm. I am guessing it is a subconscious body language suggestion for me then? It goes on to state: "What does your finger in your locks say? It says, 'Leave me alone! I'm reading.'" I can deal with that.


Still, am I crazy? AM I nuts? I am not trying to convey my emotions to anyone through twirling my hair. It's just a habit! It's comforting! So finally, I looked up nervous habits. I found this website about nervous habits. I could feel the Yin and Yang, smell the essential oils, and feel the deep breaths when I clicked on this page. (No offense to you essential oils folks. I'm actually considering trying them.) I found this statement: "Nervous habits related to 'hair' such as twirling or pulling hair, are often linked to the head or the crown chakra. This is about boredom, lack of concentration, consciousness, a desire to open the crown chakra and 'see' beyond. emotional problems" Oh. Yes. So it's saying that as I twirl my hair, I am in a state of peace or a trance, and am seeing beyond my many problems. Excuse me as I grab a piece of hair and tightly coil it around my fingers....