Anyone else call their mama and tell her everything? If you nodded or agreed in any way, just know that I do too. I call my mom every single day. She's my friend, which is a right I've earned now that I am an adult. However, something happened over the last couple of days that I kept just between me and Jack. Sorry, mom. She is going to be reading about this for the first time here with all of you.
So it's no secret that I am searching and praying for God's direction in my life. We've been seeking him daily for a sign or an answered prayer as to just what that calling is. I've felt torn, confused, and overwhelmed lately because I feel like I'm supposed to be doing something for God, but I feel like I'm grasping for straws as I try to get what that is.
I saw an ad on a website for "Female Singer" in the little town of Pigeon Forge. It was on a gospel site so I knew it probably was related to gospel music. I'm going to refrain from naming the place of business and the website I found the information on, however, for legal reasons. I immediately sent a headshot, song demo, and my resume and cover letter in a brief email to the guy listed as the contact person. Meh. Let's see where this goes.
I got an email back informing me that this place was closed for the week, but that he'd get back with me on Friday. Meh. Ok.
Saturday afternoon, the aforementioned contact man called me. I missed his call initially, but returned it as soon as I got his message. He wanted me to come in for a live audition. They loved my demo, thought I was beautiful and just had to see me ASAP.. Could I come tomorrow (Sunday)? Umm... Sure. I needed a track to sing with. (Wait, people still use those!?) I needed a good stage outfit. (Sparkles? All black? #innerbeyonce) Jack and I were up until midnight finding just the right song and the perfect outfit. Muchos gracias to Morgan Easter for her help. Love the Easter Family!
Sunday morning we struck off for Pigeon Forge after dropping off Cam at his mom's. I seriously thought I was going to throw up the whole way there. Forget butterflies. I had hornets in my stomach. It literally HURT from being so nervous. I've never done anything like this before. An audition!? My sisters are the singers, not me. What. Am. I. Doing.
Precious Jack talked me out of jumping out of the car a few times. Haha, he was probably really fed up with me. Anyhow, audition time came. I sang. On a big stage. By myself. Then I had to sing and harmonize with the other singers, which was easier for me. I'm used to blending in, not standing out. Oh, did I mention they asked me to sing and OPEN the show? Because they did. And I did. I sang in front of an audience at a legit show. Who am I and WHERE IS KAYLA!? Jack said I did well.
And guess what? They offered me the job. Incredible pay. Several perks. A contract! What!? Exciting!
But...
I didn't take it. I turned their offer down. We could have moved to PF and been so much closer to Jack's parents and closer to my family. We could have made decent money. I could be ministering through song to people as a CAREER. But I said no.
As we watched the show, it was obvious everyone in the room was already a Christian. They'd already accepted Christ or they already are aware of him and salvation. It was a GREAT and POWERFUL show, but it was just that... A show. I spent five plus years watching those "shows" where it's someone's job to perform. If I am going to serve God, I want it to be in a capacity where it is real, and where people know it isn't a show. This is not for me. It was for my ex, and it's the career of many, many people in the Gospel Music Industry, but it is NOT for me.
In Matthew 9:12-13, Jesus is talking to spiritual leaders and states "...It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I desire mercy, not sacrifice. For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners." Talk about a sign. For someone, the job I turned down is going to be perfect. But for me, why would I want to minister from a stage to a room full of saved people when there is a lost and dying world right outside my door?
We've both felt lately that God is wanting us to help people. We have felt super compassionate towards those who are less fortunate than us. I am not trying to brag and say "oh look at me helping people!" No! I am telling you moments that have touched and changed my heart. For example, we helped a homeless guy in Vegas this summer. We were walking along a bridge looking to give our leftover dinner to someone, however, how do you decide which of the ten homeless people to give it to? As I looked around, I noticed a homeless man with a small pizza that someone had given him. He was SHARING IT with another homesless man next to him. It hit my heart like a hammer. Wow. He GETS it. I've found myself pulling over for people on the side of the road. I feel LED to do that. I know it's dangerous, but if I feel God leading me, I want to follow! We gave a needy man breakfast yesterday morning on our way to PF. I don't care if he does drugs or is a raging alcoholic. I don't care if he is unemployed, cusses, or smokes. I want to love people. Like Jesus did. So while I may have turned down an AWEOSME job, I feel like in my heart I did the right thing. Even if that audition itself was what led me to grab Dusty some breakfast, a handshake, and some hope.
To follow Jesus means we love what Jesus loves.
Monday, September 7, 2015
Friday, September 4, 2015
Fussy Friday
So I've been seeing this post going around Facebook and Yahoo News about the couple who had the amicable, almost seemingly pleasant divorce. I read the articles about it and wished, oh how I wished, that more people were like this. I know my divorce was U-G-L-Y. It just was. And we didn't have children, thank goodness, or it could have potentially been a complete nightmare. I've been witness to the ugliness that divorcing with children can cause- it's happened to several members of my family and my friends. It's happened to my husband. Some people can be so nasty.
I know several months ago I posted a blog titled about being a Stepmomster and got some great responses and support from my friends and family. I can say here and now that it hasn't gotten any easier. It is a challenge that we work through every day, and I have a feeling it will be something we work at for many, many years to come.
Camden is a growing little dude. He's getting so big... and even more so independent! He is super clingy too, but to his dad. Rarely does he want to cuddle with just me. We both love to cuddle with daddy, so it's usually a person on each of his arms. I still feel at times that he resents me for "taking" his daddy- from certain looks he gives me to even ignoring me altogether sometimes. I hope he knows one day that I ONLY want what is best for him, and for his daddy, and that I love him so much. No one ever (I think) plans on just inheriting someone else's children before having any of their own. I didn't just get the man, I got the family. But it's not easy. I'm not his mother. Part of me tries to avoid "mothering" him, because he already has been beautifully mothered. It hurts. Who wants to be a "mom" and not "mother" a child?
*SIDENOTE* And yes, I said MOM. The more I hear the word "Stepmom" the more I CRINGE. Like, where does that word even come from anyways? I've researched a little, but couldn't find any good explanation of where the prefix "step" comes from in regards to being a stepparent and why it is used.
Sometimes, I wish he would cry for me. Sometimes, I wish he would run to me and hug me when he sees me. It's so hard to explain this longing to people. Especially my husband. Lord love him. He's the best! Sometimes though, I feel like no one understands how it feels to be in my position and to be sitting on the "Who Can Be the Better Parent" sidelines, or sometimes the referee. I couldn't do what my husband does, which makes me even more thankful that I don't share a child with my ex-husband. It hurts me to see Jack hurting and longing for his son. Y'all. I can't even deal sometimes.
Anyhow, until we have a child, I just think how I know of one child who makes me feel especially loved, wanted, and needed. Oh my sweet Ryleebug! Since she was a little booger, she has loved me- a lot! I made a special place in my heart and my birthday for that precious child. She still tells people "I was KayKay's best birthday present ever!" And boy, is she right. On trips home, she still runs to my arms and gives me the biggest hugs and kisses. She is like me in many ways- sassy, bossy, and flipping hilarious. But she is especially like me when it's time for us to leave to come home to Nashville. Sometimes, she feigns illness or injury so that I'll hold her just a moment longer. For example, at our wedding shower, she got her hand "hit" as in it was brushed lightly. But you'd have thought it had been cut off from the amount of anguish and tears that child produced. She climbed up in my lap and stayed parked there for at least an hour. I even had a huge wet stain on my dress from her tears. Sometimes she will cling to me like that, but other times she will distance herself from me in those last moments, and often refuses to tell me bye. Sometimes Bug, that's easier for me too. I'm tearing up now just thinking of the times we have said goodbye to each other, and it always ends in tears. I ate lunch with her one day a couple of years ago, and when it was time for her to go back to class, she lost it. I lost it. We were both big, blubbering babies there in the hallway at Mossy Creek Elementary. I am pretty sure I had to sit in my car for fifteen minutes so that I could gain composure to even drive myself home. That child means the world to me, and I am so thankful that Tara and Ryan brought that beautiful Angel into this world for me to love on.
So this was kind of a rambling and random blog, but sometimes you just have to take a mental dump and clean out the mind! I have so much more I could say, but won't. Right now at least. Everyone have a safe, happy Labor Day weekend!
I know several months ago I posted a blog titled about being a Stepmomster and got some great responses and support from my friends and family. I can say here and now that it hasn't gotten any easier. It is a challenge that we work through every day, and I have a feeling it will be something we work at for many, many years to come.
Camden is a growing little dude. He's getting so big... and even more so independent! He is super clingy too, but to his dad. Rarely does he want to cuddle with just me. We both love to cuddle with daddy, so it's usually a person on each of his arms. I still feel at times that he resents me for "taking" his daddy- from certain looks he gives me to even ignoring me altogether sometimes. I hope he knows one day that I ONLY want what is best for him, and for his daddy, and that I love him so much. No one ever (I think) plans on just inheriting someone else's children before having any of their own. I didn't just get the man, I got the family. But it's not easy. I'm not his mother. Part of me tries to avoid "mothering" him, because he already has been beautifully mothered. It hurts. Who wants to be a "mom" and not "mother" a child?
*SIDENOTE* And yes, I said MOM. The more I hear the word "Stepmom" the more I CRINGE. Like, where does that word even come from anyways? I've researched a little, but couldn't find any good explanation of where the prefix "step" comes from in regards to being a stepparent and why it is used.
Sometimes, I wish he would cry for me. Sometimes, I wish he would run to me and hug me when he sees me. It's so hard to explain this longing to people. Especially my husband. Lord love him. He's the best! Sometimes though, I feel like no one understands how it feels to be in my position and to be sitting on the "Who Can Be the Better Parent" sidelines, or sometimes the referee. I couldn't do what my husband does, which makes me even more thankful that I don't share a child with my ex-husband. It hurts me to see Jack hurting and longing for his son. Y'all. I can't even deal sometimes.
Anyhow, until we have a child, I just think how I know of one child who makes me feel especially loved, wanted, and needed. Oh my sweet Ryleebug! Since she was a little booger, she has loved me- a lot! I made a special place in my heart and my birthday for that precious child. She still tells people "I was KayKay's best birthday present ever!" And boy, is she right. On trips home, she still runs to my arms and gives me the biggest hugs and kisses. She is like me in many ways- sassy, bossy, and flipping hilarious. But she is especially like me when it's time for us to leave to come home to Nashville. Sometimes, she feigns illness or injury so that I'll hold her just a moment longer. For example, at our wedding shower, she got her hand "hit" as in it was brushed lightly. But you'd have thought it had been cut off from the amount of anguish and tears that child produced. She climbed up in my lap and stayed parked there for at least an hour. I even had a huge wet stain on my dress from her tears. Sometimes she will cling to me like that, but other times she will distance herself from me in those last moments, and often refuses to tell me bye. Sometimes Bug, that's easier for me too. I'm tearing up now just thinking of the times we have said goodbye to each other, and it always ends in tears. I ate lunch with her one day a couple of years ago, and when it was time for her to go back to class, she lost it. I lost it. We were both big, blubbering babies there in the hallway at Mossy Creek Elementary. I am pretty sure I had to sit in my car for fifteen minutes so that I could gain composure to even drive myself home. That child means the world to me, and I am so thankful that Tara and Ryan brought that beautiful Angel into this world for me to love on.
So this was kind of a rambling and random blog, but sometimes you just have to take a mental dump and clean out the mind! I have so much more I could say, but won't. Right now at least. Everyone have a safe, happy Labor Day weekend!
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