The first thing I think to do when someone tells me "No, you can't" is "Oh, just watch me." No one likes to be told that they can't do something when it is perfectly within reason. If you do, then you're lying. Several years ago, I was told that the odds of me having a child were slim to none. Hearing those words, at the time, was not devastating to me. I didn't want a child then, and I wasn't interested. Now, I am with the absolute love of my life and it's all I can think about. I will be with this man until my spirit is no longer on this earth. That being said, I do not want a child right this very second- we have way too much going on in our lives and a lot of things to take care of before that happens.
One Wednesday evening back in September I received a phone call from my sister, Cassie. I didn't answer because my phone was on silent. When I finally looked at my phone and saw it blowing up I had several missed calls and several missed FaceTime's. When you live hours away from your entire family, multiple missed calls are usually not a good thing. Finally I answered and my baby sister was all bubbly and smiling- whew. No emergency. I heard my other sister, Carly, and her husband Jon in the background along with my parents. Wait...huh? What is going on, y'all? Then Cassie shoved a positive pregnancy test up to the camera so I could see. It took a second for me to put two and two together, but when I did I was so excited! I know my sister Carly, and I know that she LOVES God and her husband like crazy. She too has been through some really tough, unfair stuff, and I truly feel Jon is her perfect soulmate. Realizing that they had created a life together made me feel over the moon. Aunt! I'm going to be an AUNT! So happy! I cried a few tears of joy, we talked a bit more on FaceTime and then we said our goodnights.
The second we hung up I completely lost it. A tsunami of emotions washed over me, and I was an absolute mess. I was so happy, yet so sad at the same time. My heart was being pulled in so many different directions- SO overjoyed at the great and wonderful news! Yet, so envious and sad because I know, that may not ever happen for me. I may never get to make that phone call or come up with a cute, clever way of announcing a pregnancy. I may never get to buy things for a nursery or buy enough monogrammed baby stuff to keep the entire Etsy website in business. I may not ever get the chance to cuddle with a child of my own, feed them, care for them, and be known as "mommy." I bet I cried for two hours. I am sure Jack was ready to throw me out, but he didn't. He just held me and was so understanding and rode the emotional roller coaster right along with me that night. I know I say it all the time, but he is an absolute angel. Now, all that being said I am SO in love with my little nephew already, and am so excited and happy for Carly and Jon. They are going to make amazing parents, and sweet Jonah has SO much love waiting on him already! I absolutely love these two pictures- little Jonah giving the thumbs up to everyone and my gorgeous sister and mom at Thanksgiving. We have wonderful genes.
I've been reminded and faced with the fact of "no baby" even more lately. There are at least 25 (yes, TWENTY-FIVE) friends on Facebook who are pregnant (and to all of you- Congrats! I am truly happy for each of you and wish you ALL the best!), my immediate family is growing with a nephew, and then of course Jack and I eloped so we MUST be pregnant. That is why people elope now days. I KNOW! Definitely not true at all, and I've had several people be very tactless in approaching the subject. We got married because we LOVE each other. Imagine that. We got married because when you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, what in the world are you waiting for?! However, people can really be cruel, and brushing off rude, inappropriate comments is NOT something I do or handle well. How insulting for someone to insinuate that I got married because I had to and not because I wanted to do so. Ugh. Just so rude. This is a great article I found about asking couples about having children. It applies perfectly to my situation and I couldn't have said it better myself.
I know that God's plans are the ultimate ones, and I know that if it's meant to be for Jack and I to have a child, then we WILL have a child. However, for now, I am just enjoying my husband, and enjoying being a newlywed. Let us enjoy that. He has a three-year-old son, who is probably the sweetest little guy ever. If Camden is the closest I ever get to having a child of my own, then I am okay with that. So below, I wrote a little letter to Jonah. Enjoy!
Dear Jonah Maddox,
We haven't met you yet, but trust me when I say there is a whole lot of love waiting to meet you. You have always been loved, even before your mommy knew about you growing in her belly. I know she prayed for you, prayed for your life, and prayed for your health. You've changed her a little bit. She can get kind of grumpy, but it is actually pretty entertaining so keep it up. I am so very excited to be in your life and to be a part of your story. I pray that you encounter Jesus early and often, and I'm sure that you will. I can't wait to have KayKay and Jonah days when I visit you in Georgia and just spoil you rotten. I can't wait to have Facetime/Skype dates for when I can't be there. I can't wait to see my mom and dad (Your Nonnie and Poppy) with you. You will ruin them I am sure! I can't wait for you to get here. Please come on time and be a little gentleman- the world needs more of them. Know that I am so very excited for your life and your future. I look forward to being your aunt. At this point in time, I am not really sure what that means but eventually, I will. I am your KayKay, and I love you Jo!
No comments:
Post a Comment