Fussy Friday

So I've been seeing this post going around Facebook and Yahoo News about the couple who had the amicable, almost seemingly pleasant divorce. I read the articles about it and wished, oh how I wished, that more people were like this. I know my divorce was U-G-L-Y. It just was. And we didn't have children, thank goodness, or it could have potentially been a complete nightmare. I've been witness to the ugliness that divorcing with children can cause- it's happened to several members of my family and my friends. It's happened to my husband. Some people can be so nasty.

I know several months ago I posted a blog titled about being a Stepmomster and got some great responses and support from my friends and family. I can say here and now that it hasn't gotten any easier. It is a challenge that we work through every day, and I have a feeling it will be something we work at for many, many years to come.

Camden is a growing little dude. He's getting so big... and even more so independent! He is super clingy too, but to his dad. Rarely does he want to cuddle with just me. We both love to cuddle with daddy, so it's usually a person on each of his arms. I still feel at times that he resents me for "taking" his daddy- from certain looks he gives me to even ignoring me altogether sometimes. I hope he knows one day that I ONLY want what is best for him, and for his daddy, and that I love him so much. No one ever (I think) plans on just inheriting someone else's children before having any of their own. I didn't just get the man, I got the family. But it's not easy. I'm not his mother. Part of me tries to avoid "mothering" him, because he already has been beautifully mothered. It hurts. Who wants to be a "mom" and not "mother" a child? 

*SIDENOTE* And yes, I said MOM. The more I hear the word "Stepmom" the more I CRINGE. Like, where does that word even come from anyways?  I've researched a little, but couldn't find any good explanation of where the prefix "step" comes from in regards to being a stepparent and why it is used.

Sometimes, I wish he would cry for me. Sometimes, I wish he would run to me and hug me when he sees me. It's so hard to explain this longing to people. Especially my husband. Lord love him. He's the best! Sometimes though, I feel like no one understands how it feels to be in my position and to be sitting on the "Who Can Be the Better Parent" sidelines, or sometimes the referee. I couldn't do what my husband does, which makes me even more thankful that I don't share a child with my ex-husband. It hurts me to see Jack hurting and longing for his son. Y'all. I can't even deal sometimes. 

Anyhow, until we have a child, I just think how I know of one child who makes me feel especially loved, wanted, and needed. Oh my sweet Ryleebug! Since she was a little booger, she has loved me- a lot! I made a special place in my heart and my birthday for that precious child. She still tells people "I was KayKay's best birthday present ever!" And boy, is she right. On trips home, she still runs to my arms and gives me the biggest hugs and kisses. She is like me in many ways- sassy, bossy, and flipping hilarious. But she is especially like me when it's time for us to leave to come home to Nashville. Sometimes, she feigns illness or injury so that I'll hold her just a moment longer. For example, at our wedding shower, she got her hand "hit" as in it was brushed lightly. But you'd have thought it had been cut off from the amount of anguish and tears that child produced. She climbed up in my lap and stayed parked there for at least an hour. I even had a huge wet stain on my dress from her tears. Sometimes she will cling to me like that, but other times she will distance herself from me in those last moments, and often refuses to tell me bye. Sometimes Bug, that's easier for me too. I'm tearing up now just thinking of the times we have said goodbye to each other, and it always ends in tears. I ate lunch with her one day a couple of years ago, and when it was time for her to go back to class, she lost it. I lost it. We were both big, blubbering babies there in the hallway at Mossy Creek Elementary. I am pretty sure I had to sit in my car for fifteen minutes so that I could gain composure to even drive myself home. That child means the world to me, and I am so thankful that Tara and Ryan brought that beautiful Angel into this world for me to love on.

So this was kind of a rambling and random blog, but sometimes you just have to take a mental dump and clean out the mind! I have so much more I could say, but won't. Right now at least. Everyone have a safe, happy Labor Day weekend!