Big Break?

Anyone else call their mama and tell her everything? If you nodded or agreed in any way, just know that I do too. I call my mom every single day. She's my friend, which is a right I've earned now that I am an adult. However, something happened over the last couple of days that I kept just between me and Jack. Sorry, mom. She is going to be reading about this for the first time here with all of you.

So it's no secret that I am searching and praying for God's direction in my life. We've been seeking him daily for a sign or an answered prayer as to just what that calling is. I've felt torn, confused, and overwhelmed lately because I feel like I'm supposed to be doing something for God, but I feel like I'm grasping for straws as I try to get what that is.

I saw an ad on a website for "Female Singer" in the little town of Pigeon Forge. It was on a gospel site so I knew it probably was related to gospel music. I'm going to refrain from naming the place of business and the website I found the information on, however, for legal reasons. I immediately sent a headshot, song demo, and my resume and cover letter in a brief email to the guy listed as the contact person. Meh. Let's see where this goes.

I got an email back informing me that this place was closed for the week, but that he'd get back with me on Friday. Meh. Ok.

Saturday afternoon, the aforementioned contact man called me. I missed his call initially, but returned it as soon as I got his message. He wanted me to come in for a live audition. They loved my demo, thought I was beautiful and just had to see me ASAP.. Could I come tomorrow (Sunday)? Umm... Sure.  I needed a track to sing with. (Wait, people still use those!?) I needed a good stage outfit. (Sparkles? All black? #innerbeyonce) Jack and I were up until midnight finding just the right song and the perfect outfit. Muchos gracias to Morgan Easter for her help. Love the Easter Family!

Sunday morning we struck off for Pigeon Forge after dropping off Cam at his mom's.  I seriously thought I was going to throw up the whole way there. Forget butterflies. I had hornets in my stomach. It literally HURT from being so nervous. I've never done anything like this before. An audition!? My sisters are the singers, not me. What. Am. I. Doing.

Precious Jack talked me out of jumping out of the car a few times. Haha, he was probably really fed up with me. Anyhow, audition time came. I sang. On a big stage. By myself. Then I had to sing and harmonize with the other singers, which was easier for me. I'm used to blending in, not standing out. Oh, did I mention they asked me to sing and OPEN the show? Because they did. And I did. I sang in front of an audience at a legit show. Who am I and WHERE IS KAYLA!? Jack said I did well.

And guess what? They offered me the job. Incredible pay. Several perks. A contract! What!?  Exciting!

But...

I didn't take it. I turned their offer down. We could have moved to PF and been so much closer to Jack's parents and closer to my family. We could have made decent money. I could be ministering through song to people as a CAREER. But I said no.

As we watched the show, it was obvious everyone in the room was already a Christian. They'd already accepted Christ or they already are aware of him and salvation. It was a GREAT and POWERFUL show, but it was just that... A show. I spent five plus years watching those "shows" where it's someone's job to perform. If I am going to serve God, I want it to be in a capacity where it is real, and where people know it isn't a show. This is not for me. It was for my ex, and it's the career of many, many people in the Gospel Music Industry, but it is NOT for me.

In Matthew 9:12-13, Jesus is talking to  spiritual leaders and states  "...It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I desire mercy, not sacrifice. For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners." Talk about a sign. For someone, the job I turned down is going to be perfect. But for me, why would I want to minister from a stage to a room full of saved people when there is a lost and dying world right outside my door?

We've both felt lately that God is wanting us to help people.  We have felt super compassionate towards those who are less fortunate than us. I am not trying to brag and say "oh look at me helping people!" No! I am telling you moments that have touched and changed my heart. For example, we helped a homeless guy in Vegas this summer. We were walking along a bridge looking to give our leftover dinner to someone, however, how do you decide which of the ten homeless people to give it to? As I looked around, I noticed a homeless man with a small pizza that someone had given him. He was SHARING IT with another homesless man next to him. It hit my heart like a hammer. Wow. He GETS it.  I've found myself pulling over for people on the side of the road. I feel LED to do that. I know it's dangerous, but if I feel God leading me, I want to follow! We gave a needy man breakfast yesterday morning on our way to PF. I don't care if he does drugs or is a raging alcoholic. I don't care if he is unemployed, cusses, or smokes. I want to love people. Like Jesus did.  So while I may have turned down an AWEOSME job, I feel like in my heart I did the right thing. Even if that audition itself was what led me to grab Dusty some breakfast, a handshake, and some hope.

To follow Jesus means we love what Jesus loves.

Fussy Friday

So I've been seeing this post going around Facebook and Yahoo News about the couple who had the amicable, almost seemingly pleasant divorce. I read the articles about it and wished, oh how I wished, that more people were like this. I know my divorce was U-G-L-Y. It just was. And we didn't have children, thank goodness, or it could have potentially been a complete nightmare. I've been witness to the ugliness that divorcing with children can cause- it's happened to several members of my family and my friends. It's happened to my husband. Some people can be so nasty.

I know several months ago I posted a blog titled about being a Stepmomster and got some great responses and support from my friends and family. I can say here and now that it hasn't gotten any easier. It is a challenge that we work through every day, and I have a feeling it will be something we work at for many, many years to come.

Camden is a growing little dude. He's getting so big... and even more so independent! He is super clingy too, but to his dad. Rarely does he want to cuddle with just me. We both love to cuddle with daddy, so it's usually a person on each of his arms. I still feel at times that he resents me for "taking" his daddy- from certain looks he gives me to even ignoring me altogether sometimes. I hope he knows one day that I ONLY want what is best for him, and for his daddy, and that I love him so much. No one ever (I think) plans on just inheriting someone else's children before having any of their own. I didn't just get the man, I got the family. But it's not easy. I'm not his mother. Part of me tries to avoid "mothering" him, because he already has been beautifully mothered. It hurts. Who wants to be a "mom" and not "mother" a child? 

*SIDENOTE* And yes, I said MOM. The more I hear the word "Stepmom" the more I CRINGE. Like, where does that word even come from anyways?  I've researched a little, but couldn't find any good explanation of where the prefix "step" comes from in regards to being a stepparent and why it is used.

Sometimes, I wish he would cry for me. Sometimes, I wish he would run to me and hug me when he sees me. It's so hard to explain this longing to people. Especially my husband. Lord love him. He's the best! Sometimes though, I feel like no one understands how it feels to be in my position and to be sitting on the "Who Can Be the Better Parent" sidelines, or sometimes the referee. I couldn't do what my husband does, which makes me even more thankful that I don't share a child with my ex-husband. It hurts me to see Jack hurting and longing for his son. Y'all. I can't even deal sometimes. 

Anyhow, until we have a child, I just think how I know of one child who makes me feel especially loved, wanted, and needed. Oh my sweet Ryleebug! Since she was a little booger, she has loved me- a lot! I made a special place in my heart and my birthday for that precious child. She still tells people "I was KayKay's best birthday present ever!" And boy, is she right. On trips home, she still runs to my arms and gives me the biggest hugs and kisses. She is like me in many ways- sassy, bossy, and flipping hilarious. But she is especially like me when it's time for us to leave to come home to Nashville. Sometimes, she feigns illness or injury so that I'll hold her just a moment longer. For example, at our wedding shower, she got her hand "hit" as in it was brushed lightly. But you'd have thought it had been cut off from the amount of anguish and tears that child produced. She climbed up in my lap and stayed parked there for at least an hour. I even had a huge wet stain on my dress from her tears. Sometimes she will cling to me like that, but other times she will distance herself from me in those last moments, and often refuses to tell me bye. Sometimes Bug, that's easier for me too. I'm tearing up now just thinking of the times we have said goodbye to each other, and it always ends in tears. I ate lunch with her one day a couple of years ago, and when it was time for her to go back to class, she lost it. I lost it. We were both big, blubbering babies there in the hallway at Mossy Creek Elementary. I am pretty sure I had to sit in my car for fifteen minutes so that I could gain composure to even drive myself home. That child means the world to me, and I am so thankful that Tara and Ryan brought that beautiful Angel into this world for me to love on.

So this was kind of a rambling and random blog, but sometimes you just have to take a mental dump and clean out the mind! I have so much more I could say, but won't. Right now at least. Everyone have a safe, happy Labor Day weekend!

For.

"For or against?" she said.

The look on my face was probably a mixture of confusion, surprise, shock, disgust, and anger all rolled into one.

"FOR." I said firmly.

My mind was racing, and all I wanted to do was reach across the counter and slap the fire out of the Walmart cashier who just rang up my five pack of digital pregnancy tests. On my way home, I prepared a speech for her, since I was too angry to speak at the moment I had my chance. Here goes.

You really asked me if I am for or against being pregnant? Excuse me while me and all the other mothers out there trying to conceive bring our army to stare you down with an evil, unimpressed glare. I am for life. I am for having a baby and a family with my husband, whom I love with my whole heart. I am for the precious look he had on his face this morning when he saw the pregnancy test wrapper on the counter and excitedly asked "where is it?!" I am for his gentle, comforting words and kisses when he read the window boasting "Not Pregnant."

I am for the mothers who take care of their babies as they should. I am for the grandmothers, aunts, and relatives who take care of the babies whose mothers can't or just won't. I am for fathers who love their children, even if they don't get to see them near as much as they'd prefer.

I am for spit up, dirty diapers, and no sleep. I am for potentially going a couple of days without a shower just to make sure that my baby is cared for and his or her needs may be met. I am for all nighters when I will probably not sleep a wink just so that I can watch my sweet baby breathing and smell that intoxicating scent that only a baby can produce.

So to answer your question, I am FOR. Even if it was unintentional, I would still be FOR. I will always be FOR.

Dos and Don'ts of Camping at the Beach

Let me start by saying I am clearly no camping expert. My husband kind of is though, and I probably would not have ever done this had it not been for having him. We had some laughs, some eye rolls, some snark and some snips during our trip (what couple doesn't!?) but we had a BLAST. And little Dax had fun too. He is definitely a beach dog and loved every single second of burying his whole head in the sand. He will probably be sneezing sand for a week.

We camped at a campground in Panama City Beach called Camper's Inn. It was a cute little place and had anything we needed- bathhouses, pool, laundry, even a convenience store on site. I will say the only two downsides were that it's right next to one of those slingshot rides, so we heard screaming quite late through the night. The other downside is that it was right across the road behind Club La Vela. (LOL)  We got to hear lots of bumping music through the day and night!

I decided to make a list of Dos and Don'ts of Camping at the Beach when the folks who camped next to us (Hi Danielle and Cody!) had never heard of the baby powder trick. (More on that later.)  Also, I wanted to make a list just so we remember next time we go, because we are DEFINITELY going back!

The List:

1. DO take lots of bug spray. The good old-fashioned-full-of-deet kind. Bugs are everywhere. Citronella candles help too. DON'T try those Pinterest tricks for keeping Mosquitos away. Dryer sheets, baby oil, etc.  Seriously. I'll take my chances with the deet chemicals as opposed to quarter-sized bug bites on my body and West Nile.

2. DO take a pair of rubber boots, tennis shoes- SOMETHING that covers your whole foot so that you can walk around the campsite and not have sand up to your eyeballs. DON'T wear and take only flip flops. (I'm looking at you, mirror.) You get the dreaded spray of sand up your calves and then  you have to wash it off, etc. So. Much. Sand.

3. Speaking of sand, DO take the biggest bottle of baby powder you can find! Put it on any area of your body that has sand on it and literally the sand falls right off. We kept ours next to the door by our tent and it worked perfectly at keeping our tent and sheets sand free. DON'T take a little tub or basin to wash your feet off in. It is useless at getting your feet 100% sand free. Baby powder smells good too!

4. DO take a shower just before you're ready to crawl in bed. It is so refreshing to wash away all the bug spray, sunscreen, and sandy butt crack (y'all know it's true) just before you fall asleep. I sleep better when I feel clean! DON'T bother taking a shower when you first get off the beach. I know it sounds gross, but you still have to put on all that bug spray, eat, sweat,  play with the pup, etc. Just wait. Trust me. I took a ginormous tub of baby wipes.

5. DON'T plan on sleeping late. It is impossible to do with the thin tent walls. You hear stuff, get blinded by sunlight and you will be warmed up as quick as the first ray of sun shines in your face. DO get up early and take advantage of sunrises and cool breezes. #worthit

6. DON'T count on your phone for a flashlight. Sure mine was helpful, but at 2am when you need shoes to go to the bathroom and they're nowhere to be found a phone light just doesn't cut the mustard. DO take Christmas lights, lanterns, etc to keep the area well lit. Tacky? Sure. Better than a pine needle stuck halfway up your toenail? Absolutely.

7.  DON'T take just one cooler. We only had one, and it had all of our food and drinks in it. Who wants to lug a half gallon of milk to the beach every time!? Not these folks. DO take multiple coolers so that you have one for the campsite and one to haul over to the beach. One big cooler and one smaller, portable cooler would have been ideal.

Other tips:
-Get a campsite closest to the bathhouse. Your bladder will thank you for the shorter trek at 2am.
-Take a sand buggy or a wagon to haul crap over to the beach.
-Take an outdoor rug to minimize the sandy feet stuff. SO glad we took ours!
-Take cool showers. The water heater was not working in our bath house but that actually turned out to be awesome. The cold showers were refreshing and didn't leave us feeling sticky.
-Take fans. All the fans.

What are you leaving?

Most of the time when we talk about leaving, we think of negative connotations.  We think of leaving a job, leaving a boyfriend/girlfriend, leaving a store.....you get the idea.  That is how we are wired as a society now.  All we see are negative things all over media, TV shows, everywhere we turn.

But I am not a negative person.  I do not watch the news (except weather and sports).  I try, and usually, find the good side of things.  Now, let's get one thing straight, I can be bitter without being negative ;).  There is always a good side to every bad thing.  It may take its time to reveal itself, but God has an ultimate plan and for every "evil", there is an even bigger and better "good."

Some of you know my career path and some do not. So let me take a moment and share.

I worked in retail from the time I was in high school until just a few short years ago.  I held many different positions with some amazing companies such as NIKE, Tiffany & Co, and a little mom and pop company called Alumni Hall based out of Knoxville, TN.  I've been the, as my dad would call them, boot licker (associate), and I have been the one to wear the boot (manager).

My career really took off when I was with NIKE.  I worked there all during college, 40 hours a week while taking 15 hours course work (I was raised to always work hard).  My dream was to become a CPA for NIKE and work in Beaverton, OR at company headquarters.  After graduating college, I knew that in order to work my way up, I had to be willing to relocate.  So I did, to Nashville, without knowing a soul!  One year later, in the infamous words of Donald Trump, YOU'RE FIRED!  Talk about being devastated!  

I worked a short year at a Disney Outlet store (NOT the most magical place on earth), then to Tiffany & Co.  Great job, great pay, great people, and customers actually weren't too bad either.  Worked my way up and took an Assistant Manager job at a new store opening in Columbus, OH.  Wow!  Career was on a fast track!  I was making $65K+ per year!  Well, 8 months later, I was homesick.  Moved back to Nashville with no job, $0 per year.

That is when I had to REALLY sit down and decide, what do I WANT to do?!  What was I going to leave?  I had always loved subbing at my alma mater middle school (Seymour Middle), and I LOVE baseball.  So, I want to teach, influence young people's lives, and coach a little baseball.  So I went to school and received my Masters in teaching.

My first interview went great and they even needed help with the baseball team.  PINCH ME!  I landed a job helping kids and coaching a little baseball!  Salary of a teacher, about $35-$40K.

Now you know....

In my classes that I teach, I have what I call "Life Lessons."  They have nothing to do with parabolas, slope intercept form, x and y, etc.  They have to deal with real life.  One of them has to deal with success.  I have the students explain to me their idea of "success."  So I will pause and ask you the same question, how do you define succes?

Career? Money? Choices? Experience? Those are all things my students say.  Am I less successful as a teacher than I was in retail because I make less money?  Am I less successful because I have a job that many people "appreciate" but would never do?

Now let me ask you this, who determines success?

YOU and only YOU!

So here is MY definition of success and how I want to live it.

I consider myself successful because I have an amazing wife and family.  I am successful because I am blessed with a great son.  I am successful because I get to fulfill my dream of helping students see beyond X and Y and prepare them to be an adult.  I am successful because I have the opportunity EVERY day to do something great.  I am successful because I get to help others realize their dreams and obtain them.  NONE of which have to deal with money.

My last question, what are you leaving behind?  And what I mean by this is, what kind of legacy are you leaving?  What are YOU going to be known for?  Are you doing what you were put on this earth to do?

I have fianally been able to answer this question.  YES! 

I now wear two bracelets both given to me by a great friend, Brandon Forbes.  I am blessed beyond words that he was put in my life.  The first bracelet (pictured below) says "Be A Champion."  This, for me, represents my purpose in life and with AdvoCare.  My purpose is to provide for my family so they never have to worry about a thing.  To help others by inspiring and motivating them to reach their full potential!  

Last night I received the "LEAVE A LEGACY" one.  This one really made me think about exactly what it says.  This one represents my dedication and perseverance that I will achieve my purpose and goals.  I will leave a legacy for my child(ren) and with those that I help, inspire, or motivate.  I will be remembered as someone who genuinely cared for others and their well being, not selling NIKEs or jewelry. AdvoCare has blessed my family in so many ways.  Let me finish before you roll your eyes.  AdvoCare stands for "an advocate who cares."  No really, it does (www.advocare.com).  I care about my friends and family.  I want them to be healthy and financially stable.  AdvoCare is truly in the business to help people do just that.  THAT is why I was put on this earth, THAT is why I will be successful, and THAT is what I will leave as my legacy..... SOMEONE WHO HELPED OTHERS.

Dad Day

Everybody is posting pictures of their weddings with their daddy and smiling pictures and posed cheek kisses, and I thought about doing that too, but changed my mind. My dad is not the sentimental type, so he'd probably just peer over the top of his glasses at the photo, check it out in detail for about two seconds, and then just keep scrolling. I could get him some fancy gift, take him to some fancy place for lunch, but he'd rather get a dry-fit material shirt and eat a simple rack of ribs from Rib Country. 

My dad is a very simple man. He is perfectly content with his fizzy water, a Tom Clancy book, Listerine strips and a cool, quiet house as he is some big Father's Day party. He'd rather rock Jonah to sleep and hold the little dude than probably anything on earth. 

I always think about my simple, sweet dad on Father's Day, and it think about the things that he taught me. They may not make themselves evident at all times, but he instilled them in me nonetheless.

He taught me to work hard. Not only that, do it right the first time so that you don't have to waste time doing it again. (Two words dad: dog food) My dad has the best work ethic of any person on this planet. If you want to count on someone to do a job right, well, and thoroughly- call him. And if he can't, he will find someone who can.  

He taught me to work hard for what I have. Don't depend on others to just hand it over- work for it. Earn it. Deserve it. And if you don't get it- oh well. No sense in worrying about it. You don't and won't always get everything you want. 

He taught me to appreciate what I have. Don't be real sorry and lazy.  I (and Jack) keep a clean home, well-maintained vehicles, and clean clothes. I take care of what I have.  I appreciate the roof over my head, the car I drive and the clothes on my back because I worked hard for them . I appreciate them. Did I always do that when I lived at home- nope. (I'm convinced that there's this disease you contract as a teenager that voids your brain of all conmon sense and basic knowledge. You only get rid of this disease when you no longer bear the word "teen" in your age description.) I didn't always appreciate what I had when I was younger, but looking back now, I had everything I could've wanted or needed. Anything I didn't work hard for or appreciate- I see now that my dad did. 

How did I think  the lights in our house cut on EVERY SINGLE TIME I flipped a switch? How did food miraculously appear on our table EVERY NIGHT? How did we have vehicles to get around in? TV to watch? Oh, you want a piano? How did my butt manage to be in church every time the doors were open? I get it now. 

Thank you dad for being a great leader and influence in my life. I hope that I make you proud. 

Summer-time Blues

Ahhhh Summer. We are right smack-dab in the middle of it. My newsfeed is a constant rotation of bonfires, pool days, cookouts, fields of fireflies, cold beverages, expensive boats, and sun kissed, smiling faces. I truly love this time of year. It's like everyone is more relaxed and laid back during these next couple of months. Except me. I'm not.

Today, life got me like a metric ton of bricks. This morning, Jack went to school. You know, the one he works at and I don't. I'm sure I sound like a big spoiled brat with what I'm about to say but I just don't care. He went in his school, in his classroom, and I didn't get to go. I didn't get the comforting feeling that we were in the same building, with the same people, with the same friends anymore. We don't share common students, and therefore we won't have common stories to share and compare. I'm not just down the hall from him. I can't just waltz to the freshmen hall to grab a snack from his fridge, and heat up my lunch in his microwave. I can't just pass by him in the hallway and be greeted by an adorable wink and crooked makes-me-melt-every-time smile.

My heart hurts.

Most people think we are crazy and just don't see how we work together day in and out. However, I don't see how MORE couples don't do what we do. Both of  our parents are together majority of the time, and they are happy. My parents own a business together. His parents are happily retired together. This kind of relationship is what we KNOW. Both sets of parents seem happy, and both have been married for a combined total of at least 65 years. I want that too. I LOVE being with my husband. He's my best friend, and there's no one on earth I would rather hang out with.

We truly work better together. It was like a comfort blanket thing knowing he was  right up the hall if I needed him for something or if he needed me. We shared classroom supplies. We shared advice. We kept one another up to date on school happenings and deadlines. I really just used all past tense words. It's going to be so different doing this alone. I'm sure I'll make new friends, and I'm sure Jack will too. I don't know a stranger, and neither does he. I know it could be worse- we both could be unemployed, sick, or worse. I realize my problems are trivial in the grand scheme of life. I realize how blessed I truly am.

It's just another season. This too will pass. In the mean time, pity party for one, please.