Stepmomster

On December 29, 2014, my life changed forever. I married the man of my dreams, and in that very moment I became a wife and a stepmother. I didn't just gain a husband, I gained myself a family. Let me start by saying that I absolutely LOVE Camden to pieces. He is such a sweet, loving boy and BOTH his dad and mom have done a great job in raising him. He's only three years old, but already has impeccable manners and is too stinkin' smart for his own britches sometimes. Being that it is unlikely I will ever be able to have children of my own, Cam is the closest thing I have to a "baby." All forty pounds of him. I absolutely love spending time with him and Jack, and the two of them sometimes can make my heart just burst.


I want to say this in a way that doesn't hurt any feelings or make anyone mad, but basically, being a stepmom is really hard. I've only been at it a few months, but it's much different than when I was just a "girlfriend." I am responsible for this child. I need to care for him as if he were my own. I need to protect him from things that could hurt him. At the same time, there is a fine line I have to walk. He is not my biological child. There are certain things that I can't and won't do. I can't console him like his mom would. I can try, but it's probably nowhere near as close. If he falls and gets hurt or has a bad dream, ten times out of ten says he is not going to be screaming "KayKay!" I can't just plan a birthday party for his friends and family to attend. And as morbid as this sounds (please, bear with me!)- if anything ever happened to Jack, I wonder all the time if I would ever get to see Camden or still be a part of his life. It's not my decision, unfortunately. I WON'T punish him- that's daddy's job. However, I already (at times) see resentment towards me when daddy does punish him. Like, maybe if KayKay weren't here I wouldn't be in trouble.... He has a killer side eye.


We get jealous of each other. Am I a terrible person for admitting that? Probably... But it's true. There are times when Jack and I will be standing in the kitchen and I'll hug him or he will hug me, and immediately little man will rush over and try to get between us. He even cried once when he saw us hugging and said through his tears "I don't feel very happy." Wow. Heartbreak. I don't think I necessarily get jealous of him as a person- I love him to pieces! I just know my love for him and Jack's love for him are totally different. Do we both love Cam? Absolutely. But we love him in different ways. Again- he's not my biological child, so I DON'T have that connection to him. Already I find myself struggling with how I am supposed to handle these things. I know I should not take it personally- he's only three years old. But all to often I find myself wondering- Does it get better? Does it get easier?


Back in January I started reading several books about how to deal with the difficulties that come along with being a stepmom, how to deal with the ex, how to maintain a healthy marriage...blah blah blah. I'm not going to tell you the names of the books, but I will tell you that all of them were completely useless. The books all said the same thing: be OVERLY nice to the step-child, suffer silently through any emotional distress you feel, take medicine if you have to, and (gasp!) the most frightening suggestion of all- have your own baby with your husband so that you won't feel so left out and alone. WHAT THE WHAT?! That is just plain SCARY advice, and definitely not what I was wanting to hear. Being a stepmom doesn't mean having to be passive-aggressive. It doesn't have to mean suffering or dealing with pain or unexplained emotions you may feel. Right?!


I decided to do some research among my friends. Several of them are stepmoms too, and have been for much longer than a few months. I promised to keep their names completely anonymous, but did let them know I would probably use their answers for the purpose of this blog. I asked them all three questions:


1. What is the most rewarding part of being a stepmom?


2. What is the most challenging part of being a stepmom?


3. How do you handle those challenges?


Every. Single. One. had pretty much the same answers on the first two questions. It was FRIGHTENING how alike they were- like they had a big meeting before they all decided to answer my message- even though many of them aren't acquaintances.


ALL of them said that the most rewarding part of being a stepmom was the family aspect of it and
how it's awesome to see the kids interact with the father and stepmother in a positive way. It is rewarding to see them do something you asked them to do or taught them to do. I see this with Camden OFTEN. He is like a little sponge and absorbs knowledge in copious quantities. It is unbelievable to watch him learn. Just yesterday he was READING. READING! He got some flashcards in his Easter basket a few weeks ago, and he already has the numbers, letters, and basic sight words down pat. He's currently working on mastering his addition and subtraction facts at the age of three. Now, you may say "Well that's rewarding to see with ANY child" and you'd be correct. But this is CAMDEN. The boy I fix dinner for, tuck in to bed, and play Ninja Turtles with. He's our boy! Proud stepmom moments for sure.


Next question. All of the stepmoms also said that the most challenging part of being a stepmom is that you AREN'T mom. Kids will remind you of that verbally, physically, or any way they can to get the message across. Camden hasn't said the whole "You're not my mommy" to me, and I hope I never make him feel like he has to. There have been times where I've cried over some things he's said to me, but like I said- I remind myself that he's only three and not to take it personally because he is just processing his feelings like I am, just in a different way. Many of them also said that sometimes different viewpoints from the mother and father and lack of communication are very challenging. We've found this to be true also, but that being said we KNOW we all have Camden's best interest at heart.


Finally- the one question where every answer was different. Which- TADA!- I totally understand why. Everyone deals with things and responds to stressors in different ways. There's no "one right way" to be a stepmom, or a parent for that matter. Trial and error. Jack and I have decided that if there is EVER an issue about ANYTHING- we WILL talk about it. I will not "suffer silently" and hold in my feelings. First of all, if you know me WHATSOEVER you know that would and could never happen. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and my emotions are ALWAYS written on my face. I was born without a poker face. We've always had a great line of open communication about everything, which is why our relationship is so great. We've also talked about other ways to deal with our issues- spend a ton of time together as a family, but also there are times when daddy and Cam have "dude time" too. I don't want Cam to feel like daddy belongs only to me. He needs to feel special and loved in a way that only daddies can. For now, we are working through these issues so that when Cam gets older, hopefully there won't be many, and I won't be considered a "Stepmomster."

All that being said, I want to give a shout out to my grandmother (who does not have Facebook or even a computer) and my stepgrandmother. These women are truly amazing. Both of them have always shown nothing but class and respect when they're around one another at church events, birthday parties, or ballgames. They've never made any of us 234987 grandkids/great-grandkids feel awkward. My stepgrandmother has ALWAYS made us feel as though we were her own flesh and blood. She's always shown us unconditional love, has never spoke badly of my grandmother (nor would she ever because she is just THAT nice!), and she has taken part in all major life events. She didn't have to pick us up from school when we were sick, teach us how to drive (and drive well at that!), teach us how to cook (which she totally ROCKS at btw!), or just give us advice on how to handle hard times in life. You helped me through many situations WAY more than you will ever know. I love you Pam (aka Nana), and I am so thankful to have you as a "bonus" grandma!